Joke on Wi-Fi not Working

 

My spaceship's Wi-Fi keeps cutting out. Tried calling customer service, but they said they only offer support within the Milky Way.

Joke on Unusual Day

 

I went to the gym yesterday but didn't see anyone. Maybe they were all hiding in the cardio section.

Thank You Father

 

Joke on Alien Life

 

I finally made contact with alien life! Turns out, they communicate entirely through emojis. Now I just need to learn their version of "the eggplant."

Joke on kleptomaniac Friend

 

Tried to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend again. He took the words right out of my mouth. 

Best Chef

 

Joke on "Greetings, Earthling"

 

Bought a new translator app for my alien encounters. Turns out, "Greetings, Earthling" comes across as "Prepare to be probed."

Joke on Robot Dog

 

My future house on Mars comes with a complimentary robot dog. Only problem is, it keeps trying to bury my bones in the asteroid belt.

Phoenix Frame

 

Joke on Book on Paranoia

 

I'm reading a book on paranoia. They're out to get me!

Joke on Self-help Book

 

I bought a self-help book on procrastination. I'll get around to reading it one of these days. 

Joke on Suspicious Activity

 My credit card company emailed me to warn about suspicious activity. It was me. I apologise for the inconvenience.

World Greatest Father

 

Empty Wishes

 

My spaceship keeps running out of gas. Maybe I should have filled 'er up with stardust instead of wishes.

Birthday

 

Seafood Diet

 

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it... especially if it's shaped like a seahorse. 

Actual Assembly Skills

 

I finally finished putting together those self-assembling shelves. Turns out, they were missing instructions that said "Requires actual assembly skills.”

Something is Wrong

 

I'm not sure what's wrong with my computer. I pressed escape, but I'm still at work.

Father’s Day Special

 

Doctor Advice

 

I went to the doctor because I broke my arm in two places. The doctor told me to stop going to those places. 

Joke on My neighbour

 

My neighbour keeps asking me for sugar. I told him I don't have any, but he doesn't seem to accept "no" for an answer. Maybe I should start baking. 

Joke on A Space Janitor

 

My new job as a space janitor is pretty boring. Mostly just cleaning up after those messy aliens and their zero-gravity picnics.

Joke on Tried online dating for aliens.

 

Tried online dating for aliens. Profile said "seeks adventurous partner for intergalactic travel." Turns out, they meant "travel to the grocery store across the galaxy."

Happy Birthday to Mom

 

Joke on Existential Questions

 

My spaceship's AI keeps asking existential questions. Like, "Is this all there is to life?" and "Why are humans so obsessed with cats?"

Joke on Less Flexible

 

My wife told me I should try yoga to improve my flexibility. I tried to touch my toes, but my back went out. Now I'm even less flexible.

Joke on Zero-G Marathon

 

I'm training for the upcoming Zero-G marathon. It's going well, although laundry day is a nightmare.

Joke on Thanksgiving Dinner

 

I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. Now I realise the worst thing is to end up with my relatives at Thanksgiving dinner. 

Joke on Fitness App

Just downloaded a new fitness app for space travel. Apparently, "zero-gravity push-ups" are just floating around aimlessly.

 

Joke on Seafood Diet

 

I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.